Crap jokes

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Mike Broadbent
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Post by Mike Broadbent »

Blonde and brunette walking down high street when blonde suddenly says " Is that your husband in the flower shop "
Brunette replies "Oh no, this means I'm going to spend the next 3 days with my legs in the air "
"Why's that", says the blonde,



















"Don't you have a vase ?"

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Mike Broadbent
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Post by Mike Broadbent »

Two old boys who are a little hard of hearing go to the local which has just reopened following a revamp.
1st old boy says
YOU GET THE DRINKS, I'LL FIND A TABLE
2nd old boy goes up to the bar
2 PINTS OF BITTER PLEASE BARMAN
That be

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Mike Broadbent
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Post by Mike Broadbent »

I had a dream last night in which I died and went to heaven. St Peter met me at the Pearly Gates and said he would show me around.
We eventually went into a vast hall, where , as far as the eye could see, were row upon row of clocks.
"What are all these clocks for ?, I asked.
"Well," replied St Peter," there is is a clock for everybody living on earth, and when the clock stops, it means another life has come to an end"
"So why has that clock suddenly jumped forward an hour", I asked.
St Peter went a little red and said "How can I put it, ahem, er, when a person er, ahem, relieves himself, his clock jumps exactly one hour"
Intrigued, I asked if my wife's ex husband had a clock.
"Yes, indeed he has" replied St Peter.
"I keep it in my office and use it as a fan" :wink:

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AdrianP
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Post by AdrianP »

Thought it was time this thread was resurrected :D


A woman goes to the doctors office to discuss a strange development.

She has discovered green spots on the inside of each thigh. They wash off but come back either the same or the next day.

The doctor assures her he will get to the bottom of the problem and not to worry until he gets the test results back.

A few days later the phone rings and to her relief it's the doctor.

She immediately begs to know what is causing the spots, The doctor says "You're perfectly healthy, There's no problem."

Oh she says,

But, says the doctor, I'm wondering, Was your boyfriend the harley motorbike guy in the waiting room?

She replies, Why yes, But how did you know?

Tell him his earrings are NOT real gold...
1998 - 4.6L V8 - Manual Box - Ford Mustang
225 BHP @ 4750rpm - 290 ft lb @ 3500 rpm

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Ben
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Location: East Anglia

Post by Ben »

very good :)
Dum spiro, spero
____________________________________

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Rob_B
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Joined: Tue May 22, 2007 2:01 pm

Post by Rob_B »

Engishman, irishman and american on the top of the empire state building

The american says 'did you know if you jump of here you wont hit the floor...the height and wind create's a massive vacuum! if you jump off it will spin you around the building a few time and land back where you started.'

the other two men reply - 'bollocks, you are talking rubbish!'

the american then say...'oh ok you dont believe me?? right watch this'

the american then jumps of the building, he spins round a couple of times and lands back next to the other two

'see'...the ameican says...'i told you'

the irishman thinks...well if he can do it, i can do it...here goes

the irishman then jumps of the building...and splat.. he falls and hits the pavement thousands of feet below

the englishman then turns to the american and says 'superman you're a right prick when you're drunk'

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AdrianP
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Post by AdrianP »

Golf Panties

3 couples are out for a relaxing game of golf.
<O:p</O:p
<O:p</O:p

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends
over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and
reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?' Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency,
here's a 50.. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her
ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that
she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've
no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of
decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The
wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too
<O:p</O:p
is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell
are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be
able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the
love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit.
<O:p</O:p</O:p
1998 - 4.6L V8 - Manual Box - Ford Mustang
225 BHP @ 4750rpm - 290 ft lb @ 3500 rpm

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BIGBIMMA
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Location: chomping at the bit !

Post by BIGBIMMA »

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]i used to be driven by demons ,
now i make them sit in the back
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Safety_James
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God Awful Joke Received By Text

Post by Safety_James »

"My mates just gone and got himself a new polish girlfriend but its taken her five days to hoover the house....

Turns out she's a Slovak"
インテグラ TYPE R 無限

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Tk
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Location: vorsprung durch technik

Post by Tk »

Ken came home from the pub late one night, drunk as a fart. He crawled into bed and gave his wife a kiss on the cheek and nodded off.

He woke up during the night, and saw a man standing at the end of his bed. ''Who the hell are you?'' he said. ''I am St Peter''.

Ken looked at him with worry and replied ''What, do you mean i've died? I can't die i'm to young, I haven't even said goodbye to my family''.

St Peter looked at him and said '' I will reincarnate you, but... only as a Dog or a Hen. Your choice.''

Ken thought to himself and decided to come back as a hen. With a flash of light he was covered in feathers and was standing next to a rooster.

''So you’re the new hen then'' he said. ''Yep'' replied Ken. ''So how are you finding it?'' asked the rooster.

''Well I have got a really sharp pain in my belly, what is that?''

''You’re going to lay an egg, haven't you laid an egg before?'' the rooster said.

''No never'' replied Ken. The rooster looked at him and said ''Well just relax, breath and then push''.

Sure enough out popped an egg.

Feeling quite chuffed Ken did it again and again, but on the fourth turn he felt a slap on the back of his head.

He woke up with a shock, with his wife shouting
''KEN, GET UP YOU P1SS HEAD YOUR SH1TTING IN THE BED!!!''
Small one's are more juicy

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