Offensive jokes ... and I mean offensive

Post by **Ben** » Fri Jan 30, 2009 8:10 am

Here's a tip for you:

When you start going out with someone, just after they go to sleep at night, put a nicotine patch on their arm. Then, just before they wake up in the morning, take it off again.

This way, if they ever leave you, they'll get withdrawal symptoms, think it's love, and come back.

Post by **Ben** » Fri Jan 30, 2009 8:10 am

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night.

It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

Post by **Ben** » Fri Jan 30, 2009 8:11 am

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my X-box.

Post by **Ben** » Fri Jan 30, 2009 8:11 am

My wife died last week.

I had her cremated, and I think that's what did it.

Post by **Ben** » Fri Jan 30, 2009 8:11 am

An old girlfriend once complained that I was treating her like a slave

So I sold her

Post by **Ben** » Fri Jan 30, 2009 8:11 am

The most powerful politician in the world is black.
The best golfer in the world is black.
The fastest racing driver in the world is black.

..... Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.

Post by **Ben** » Fri Jan 30, 2009 8:12 am

Rafa Benitez flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is impressed and arranges for him to come over to England.
Two weeks later liverpool are 2-0 down to Chealsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation - he scores a hatrick in 20 minutes and wins the game for the reds! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2-0 down but I scored 3 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me. It's wonderful!"
"Wonderful?! " says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.
"Your father got shot and robbed in the street, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother was beheaded by masked men, all while you were having such a wonderful time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!! Sorry?!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to liverpool in the first place!"

Post by **Ben** » Fri Jan 30, 2009 8:12 am

A blind man is walking down the street with his guide dog when it leads him to smack into a post.

Once he's recovered,the blind man reaches into his pocket and fetches out a treat to feed the dog.

A passer-by remarks: "That's marvellous! Even after he's made a mistake like that, you're giving him a treat."

"Not really..." Says the blind man. "I'm just trying to find which end is which so I can kick him in the bollocks!"

Beanpotter · Post by **Beanpotter** » Fri Jan 30, 2009 1:52 pm

It's my epileptic mate's birthday today so I've bought him a strobe light.

He'll have a fit when he sees it!

Gerry H · Post by **Gerry H** » Fri Jan 30, 2009 1:59 pm

Some great, future Xmas cracker jokes there