Offensive jokes ... and I mean offensive

Post by **Ben** » Mon Dec 22, 2008 5:44 pm

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead

Post by **Ben** » Mon Dec 22, 2008 5:44 pm

An elderly English gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained;

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to."

Post by **Ben** » Mon Dec 22, 2008 5:45 pm

Ultimate phone prank

1. Call the childline number and say 'i've just dialed 1471 and this number came up, who is this?'

2. Operator replies 'you're through to childline'

3. You shout 'TERRY YOU LITTLE CUNT, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARD''. before hanging up the phone

Post by **Ben** » Mon Dec 22, 2008 5:45 pm

Dear Jonathan Ross,

I've just shagged your daughter. Who's laughing now?

Lots of love,

Gary Glitter x

Post by **Ben** » Mon Dec 22, 2008 5:46 pm

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has

Post by **Ben** » Mon Dec 22, 2008 5:49 pm

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Post by **Ben** » Mon Dec 22, 2008 5:49 pm

I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.

Post by **Stuart** » Mon Dec 22, 2008 5:50 pm

The D day joke was cracking

Thanks Ben.

Post by **Ben** » Mon Dec 22, 2008 5:51 pm

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Post by **Ben** » Mon Dec 22, 2008 5:51 pm

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."