My dad walked in on me once when I was doing something naughty in my bedroom and he just sighed, said "you'll go blind if you keep doing that!", and walked out.
So I stopped trying to poke myself in the eye with a pencil and had a wank instead.
Offensive jokes ... and I mean offensive
A salesman knocks at the door and a young boy answers. The little boy says, "Please be quiet, sir. My mother is a prostitute and works all night. She sleeps during the day."
The salesman scratches his head and says, "Well, I'll be a son of a bitch"
The little boy replies, "I'm a bastard myself, but I don't go around ringing people's doorbells and telling them about it."
The salesman scratches his head and says, "Well, I'll be a son of a bitch"
The little boy replies, "I'm a bastard myself, but I don't go around ringing people's doorbells and telling them about it."
Dum spiro, spero
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Things you can only say at Christmas
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in.
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in.
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.
Dum spiro, spero
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A man has a swishy cocktail bar and looking to hire a pianist. He gets a bloke in who's got Tourette's, but he can play, Classics, Blues, Jazz, "and I fucking write my own cunting stuff as well", he says.
He plays this really haunting gentle piece. "What do you call that?"
"The smell of my wife's cunt, here's another fucker" And it's another great piece of music,
"That was: my cock's up your arse, now wriggle bitch" And so on.
He was the best so good that reluctantly he takes him on, but on condition he doesn't speak to the customers at all. The waiters will take requests to avoid him talking with them. It works well and trade is up.
One night he can see a girl facing him, short skirt and no knickers, and after a half hour of looking up seeing that he gets so horny he takes a break to have a wank.
He takes a while, no music.
The bar manager starts looking for him, bashes on the toilet door, says, "Get out there and play now or you don't get paid for tonight." So he rushes it, goes back and starts playing.
One of the waiters sees he hasn't zipped up and rushes over.
"Hey do you know your flies are undone, your cock's hanging out and there's come stains all down your leg?"
"Know it? I fucking wrote it!"
He plays this really haunting gentle piece. "What do you call that?"
"The smell of my wife's cunt, here's another fucker" And it's another great piece of music,
"That was: my cock's up your arse, now wriggle bitch" And so on.
He was the best so good that reluctantly he takes him on, but on condition he doesn't speak to the customers at all. The waiters will take requests to avoid him talking with them. It works well and trade is up.
One night he can see a girl facing him, short skirt and no knickers, and after a half hour of looking up seeing that he gets so horny he takes a break to have a wank.
He takes a while, no music.
The bar manager starts looking for him, bashes on the toilet door, says, "Get out there and play now or you don't get paid for tonight." So he rushes it, goes back and starts playing.
One of the waiters sees he hasn't zipped up and rushes over.
"Hey do you know your flies are undone, your cock's hanging out and there's come stains all down your leg?"
"Know it? I fucking wrote it!"
Dum spiro, spero
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A boy is doing his paper round one day, he comes to a door and realises the woman who lives here is behind on her payments, so he knocks
"Excuse me Miss" he says "Mr Patel says you owe him a fiver"
"Well I got nothing on me son, but I'm sure you and I can come to some arrangement" she says and gives him a wink. So this young lad goes in her house
They go into the bedroom and strip off. This woman is amazed to see this young man has possibly the biggest dick she has ever known in her life. Then he starts taking these washers with a hole the width of his cock out and sliding them down his pole
"What are you doing there luv?" she asks
"Shortening the length for ya"
"What are you on about, I can take it all"
"Not for a fiver you can't"
"Excuse me Miss" he says "Mr Patel says you owe him a fiver"
"Well I got nothing on me son, but I'm sure you and I can come to some arrangement" she says and gives him a wink. So this young lad goes in her house
They go into the bedroom and strip off. This woman is amazed to see this young man has possibly the biggest dick she has ever known in her life. Then he starts taking these washers with a hole the width of his cock out and sliding them down his pole
"What are you doing there luv?" she asks
"Shortening the length for ya"
"What are you on about, I can take it all"
"Not for a fiver you can't"
Dum spiro, spero
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
Dum spiro, spero
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